Jim's space

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October 09

Countdown Day

Today's date:

10 09 08

I tag every cable line I connect

on every job.

I put my Tech# and the date on one side

the address or unit# on the other.

To save space (it's a very small tag) we reduce the date by dropping the 0 in 08, so today was 10.9.8

My stress level is way up again for some reason...

I'm headed to bed

good night all

Everyone have a good weekend!

October 02

It's October???

Hey folks!

How can it be October already?

I'm still working on my tan...

I've been trying to take my vitamins

everyday, but it seems like I

have a hard time remembering...

The Amino Acids and the St. John's Wort

are supposed to be keeping my mood

positive and happy...

I keep forgetting and once in awhile

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I am in fear of losing my job

being alone

going broke

living alone

being friendless

Where are you these days Goddess?

I'm kinda sad and lonely...

I hope everyone's weekend is fabulous!!!

September 27

Saturday night!

Hey folks!

Another week has gone by

and I've missed you one and all.

WORK:

We've just begun our Fall/Winter schedule. 3 weeks ago "THEY" told us we had to bid for "Routes" and our days off. We voted as an entire shop. We voted to have 2 days off a week, plus Wednesdays. Our entire shop has been re-assigned to only two teams. I have been assigned to Team 1, which means I have the next two days off and then Wednesday as well!!! Woo Hoo! Next week I do a long week.

I'm still going to Square Dancing lessons.

I may just go out tonite!

I hurt myself a little bit at work this week.

Just a puncture on my finger,

but I almost fell off my step-ladder!

I also forgot to tell y'all

that I've had a tooth-ache for 2 weeks now...

It's just begun to stop hurting.

Why can't I tell people my truth?

At any rate,

I feel

very much

in love

with my life

and our universe.

September 22

Monday Madness

Hey folks!

Monday evening, out to dinner, waiting in Aurora

to go to my 2nd Square Dance lesson...woo hoo

yee haw...

I haven't posted since last Saturday nite cuz I stayed out too late

drank 1 too many beers, stayed up too late

and went to work with a headache...

At least I found out I can do this job hung-over...

ha ha

Speaking of this job I think it's getting easier for me.

I'm still making stoopid mistakes;

like using the wrong outlet in an apartment!

In apartments there are usually 2 outlets:

one is the rooftop antenea, and one is the cable outlet.

When I'm installing basic cable, I have to use a filter that blocks out most of the channels. It can be easily mistaken for a dead outlet... dang...

Another popular package in Denver is the "Maximo" package. The Latin folks are ordering this. It takes a filter as well...

I'm looking forward to lessons tonite.

I would really like it if a few really good looking women around my age showed up.

Did I tell you all that I have a wireless smart card for my internet connection? I just plug it into my lap-top and it works! It's very cool. I can be online anywhere now! In fact, right now I'm sitting in a Village Inn eating dinner. how phreakin cool is that?

I really want to be dating again.

I so enjoy people...

I see as many as 8 new people everyday and hook up their cable, improving their lives. I feel really good about that. Some people are difficult and some jobs are even more difficult, but for the most part I really enjoy it. I've begun wondering if I could date a woman that I install her cable... Like today: a very attractive woman answered the door. After getting signal to her apartment I spoke to her how much I liked the complex she lives in, just being friendly. She was very nice, I found out she's single with a huge dog. She's a Deputy Sherriff. Her eyes were very pretty - big clear and blue. I would have asked her out if the circumstances were different. I'm pretty sure that asking customers out on dates is out of line & out of the question... But wow, she was really cute...

I hope everyone's week is going really well.

September 20

Preparing to "Fall Forward"

Hey folks! Boy

It's Saturday night and I'm going out to listen to some live music!!

I forgot to tell y'all

that I went to my 1st square dance lesson last Monday nite.

Woo Hoo

I learned to Do-Se-Do and Alaman

There were more than 50 people there and I had an allright time.

I mostly danced with the "Angels"

{The eldery patrons who were there to fill in the gaps of not enough partners - (more men than women)}

Thank you everyone for supporting me in that decision.

September 17

my birthday

It's my birthday

Woo Hoo!!!

my Goodness friends,

Thank you s0 very much for showing up

!!!

I am so unastounded

by the ordinariness

of my life today and the

overwhelming sense of

impending dread

palpatating in my heart

Thank you so very much for visiting my site!!!

for looking into my soul,

reading what I feel,

imagining what I'm living,

talking to me

like it had happened to you

The fact you're in my site or on my list

just that you consider me a friend

or that we connected in some small way...

September 14

Sunday Night Football

Wow, what a day!

My first weekend off since May...

I took it easy and slept late Saturday and Sunday

It was really nice.

I stayed in every night.

Thought a lot about my life.

Thought a lot about my job.

Making no decisions

trying to look ahead

Making plans to stay on top

of when things must happen

Gotta stay sharp

Wednesday the 17th is my birthday

September 11

9/11

Hey folks...

A moment of silence

for all the victims of the terrorist actions

and the brave rescuers...

and the survivors...

Home of the free and the brave...

I remember that day like it was yesterday.

I'm feeling slightly better these days

I started taking St. John's Wort.

Perhaps it is working, I sure hope so.

I also started taking some amino acid supplements.

I made tips this week!

I've never had a job where I received tips before.

It's a really good feeling.

I got a call from my insurance company yesterday.

They thought that someone had hit me.

When I told them it was me who hit someone else

they wanted me to make a recorded statement.

I told the lady I was too busy...

It kinda freaked me out.

Where is my gusto?

Where is my gung-ho-ness?

I've been invited to "square-dance" lessons

with my step-mom and my Dad.

I will have to miss Monday Night Football

which has been like a religion to me my whole life.

I want to do it, for no other reason

than to expand my social horizons...

Everyone have a great weekend!!!

September 08

Candied Corn?

Hello everyone!

Happy Week!

I just found out this morning that I'm on my 8 day stretch.

I have the weekend off.

yeah!

Today is a grey overcast day

slightly misty morning

Fall is in the air, definately.

I haven't heard from my insurance agent about my fender-bender.

The other guy's car had minor damage:

broken headlamp, wrinkled hood.

I'm still stressed about it.

I wonder at my own self-imposed anxety.

Why do I do it?

What am I getting out of it?

My birthday is coming up soon...

September 17th

Everyone stop by and wish me a good day, ok?

September 05

Fall is coming...

Hey folks!

Happy weekend!!!

I'm so phreaking stressed lately.

Working too many hours or something.

I backed into a customer's car today.

Dang that sucked!

I hope it doesn't raise my rates, or worse yet, get me canceled.

Why do I worry so much about everything?

Why can't I just live my life?

I was called in on my day off - Wednesday - and that really sucked.

I seem to be stuck in my head and imagining the worst case scenarios about everything that happens.

I am in a state of constant fear.

Despair is upon me most of the time.

I used to be fairly well adjusted and relatively happy.

What happened to my life?

When will this low-level anxiety go away?

I'm thinking about buying some St. Johns Wart, or some SammE.

I have to do something about the way I feel...

August 30

Saturday nite

Another Saturday night and I ain't got no body

I got some money cuz I just got paid...

I remember that song from years ago.

Don't member who wrote it or sang it tho...

Some people are mean

some people are just ignorant

Most people don't give a damn

the rest are out for themselves

I had a fairly good day at work today,

got off early and came home.

I know I've been in the dumps

I know I've been feeling sorry for myself

it's just where I'm at.

I'm not a victim, I'm a volunteer

but why must people take advantage of me

just cuz I let them?

Where is everyone's dignity?

I would really like to be dating a nice gal.

When Goddess, when...

August 29

Milk Bone undies

Dang folks...

Today was payday, and after gas reciepts

I made $170.00

Dang...

That makes me feel like shit...

I have really worked hard.

My supervisors tell me that I take too long

on jobs cuz I talk too much.

I say I haven't been trained very well

and left alone with no help too often.

I stopped talking to the people

and it didn't help.

I ask more questions

and get no answers.

Despair rears its head, again...

Please don't tell me it will be allright

because it already isn't.

I've defaulted on my student loans

cuz I am not making enough money.

I have so many complaints about work

but I have been keeping them to myself.

I take on jobs from other techs

and if the people are not home

I don't make any money.

I've done this in the name of

being a "Team Player."

My life sucks...

my future is in the crapper.

I saw my ex-wife Tuesday nite,

She was distant and merely cordial.

Dang...

Despair feels horrible.

Bleak

Nothingness

Can't go on...

Right back to wondering:

what am I living for...

shitfuck

August 28

Thursday thursday

Hey folks! I never made it to the concert. Dang...

I did however manage to call my ex-wife and ask her if she wanted to go. She said no. I wound up going by her house and picking up some of my stuff; an 8' step ladder, safety cones, stuff. What impressed me the most is the way she looked at me. The light for me has gone out in her eyes. I remember the way she acted towards her 1st ex-husband when we were together. Polite, but unattached. That's the way she treats me now. It was an eye-opener for me. Something I had figured all these months, but to see it was difficult. I can also say that because of her attitude towards me, I could not be attracted to her.

The realization of these things put me into a funk. I had anxiety attacks last nite. I found myself blaming myself for loosing her. I blamed myself for hurting her. I blamed myself for using her. I tried to convince myself that I used her for her home. I felt terrible and just went to bed.

So far as the concert is concerned, I guess I wasn't really as into it as I should have been. I drove to the wrong venue, no one was there. I didn't actually read the ticket until an hour before the show. I didn't even know where the concert was being held. I bought the tickets at a different time in my life and at a different place. I feel wasteful for not using them, but I also feel good about having a choice.

I'm fighting an image problem. I remember the old Dean Martin song: You're nobody till somebody loves you... What I think of myself is no longer as valid as what's tumbling around in my brain. My goodness, things are tough all over. Distractions aren't helping me anymore. I'm trying to focus on my job, but the job is too hard to help me feel better about myself. It seems as if I'm able to paint myself into a corner no matter what I'm thinking about.

I told my ex-wife that what I miss the most is someone to talk to everyday, someone to remember my day for, someone to listen to me complain, and someone to care about me.

August 25

Milk from a duck?

Hey folks... It's Monday evening,

but for me it's my Thursday nite.

I realize that I'm not able to get the emotional

support that I crave from

anyone in my life right now.

When I try, it's like asking the duck for milk...

I am really very sad about my life...

The concert is tomorrow nite and I have no date.

I couldn't bring myself to ask my ex...

Rejection avoidance I suppose.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I really enjoyed this video

it made me smile...

I miss my cat Cleo

I hope everyone is doing well

I have Wednesday and Thursday off...

Take care my friends

cheers

August 23

Saturday

I'm tired today. Stayed up late watching tv. The Olympics...

I do not have the courage to speak to my ex-wife.

I lost my sense of self

When she told me to leave her life

I must have decided that her opinion of me

Is my sum-total.

I still do not have a date for the Willie Nelson concert on Tuesday.

I had a good day at work yesterday

My jobs all worked right away.

I did an internet job as well.

Everyone have fun today!

August 22

Friday for everyone

Today is my Monday. I've had 2 days off and I feel much better: Well rested, tummy is full and I have a job to perform for. I feel grateful. I'm trying to not focus on what I consider to be wrong with my life. I'm trying to focus on the good things in life. I have many...

I'm not in a relationship - but I'm not in a bad one.

My savings have dwindled - but I can earn more money.

My problems are few and far between.

I am a great guy, others can see that.

I will not be alone for long.

Thank you Goddess for all my blessings

I hope everyone's weekend is relazing and nourishing

take care

cheers

Jimmy

August 20

Emotional pain, economic insecurity & fear of the future

Hello everyone!

I have 2 days in a row off! WOO HOO!!!

I have been very weary and brain-dead.

Making mistakes at work.

I have worked 24 of the last 27 days.

I am tired, an emotional wreak.

I am installing high speed data now, internet. it is very different from video, everything has to be just perfect or there is no send and receieve transmission.

I've been thinking of my ex a lot as it has been over a year that she asked me to leave. Anniversaies always have an emotional impact on me. As I told you, I sent her a birthday card as last Sunday was her B/D. On Sunday the 17th, her b/d, I sent her a text message wishing her a happy birthday. I got no response. Someone asked me if i really expected her to and I shook off my answer saying that sometimes my expectations get confused with my fantasies so I try to not pay attention to them. In fact, I was hoping she would respond and my fantasy was that she would ask me to return to her with open arms. The truth is she was fine before she met me and I would bet she is fine without me now. It is just hard to integrate the fact that my life & my future is incomplete without her.

it hurts

i hurt

I wonder if I'll ever fall in love again, have that special someone to remember my day for, someone to tell my stories to, someone to talk to, someone to love, someone to love me. I am over-sentimental and a true romantic. I miss what I had with my ex. I miss loving and being loved. I miss showing someone that I care for them. I miss being shown that they care for me. I miss sharing my life with that certain special someone. I miss bringing home flowers for no reason. I miss cooking special love food and making special love desserts. I miss bring home dark pumpernickel bread to toast so we can eat it in bed with coffee. I miss shopping together. I miss those furtive glances across crowded rooms. I miss the special secret smile of an inside joke. I miss being held. I miss having my back stroked and caressed before I fall asleep. I miss doing special things for her for no reason. I miss getting the opportunity to be considerate. I miss having someone be considerate of me.

I really miss being loved.

August 16

Rainy days

Hey folks...

today was my first day off in a long time.

I will be getting one weekend a month

off from here on out,

but because I'm new I was called in tomorrow.

I've up and down with my emotions regarding my new job.

Some days I feel good about it, some days I feel bad about it.

I'm not yet sure what the factors in this are.

Perhaps my performance, maybe it's how quickly I can get the jobs done.

but maybe it's just the fact that I have made a career change at 47 and I used to be a Master in my field and now I'm an apprentice.

Lately I've been thinking about my ex-wife a lot.

Tomorrow is her birthday.

I sent her a card, told her she's always on my mind.

My fantasy is for her to ask me to come back to her.

It will never happen.

I am out of my mind with my pain.

I wonder why it's taking me so long to settle into the fact that she threw me out and I have to move on and stop regretting the fact that we're not together anymore. It's really beginning to bug me.

Where is my relief?

I am busting my ass and really being a good person.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

I hope everyone has had a good weekend

Take care

Cheers

PS: I have tickets for Willie Nelson next week and no date. Should I invite my ex-wife?

August 13

Wensday Something...

I was given a very shot route today

and was able to take a 1/2 day off.

It gave me chance to relax and unwind

and take it easy for a few hours.

I was grateful for the reprieve.

I watered my Dad's garden

making sure the tomtoes

got all the loving they deserved

and reflectd on my life a bit.

There are those of you

who have followed me thru the storm of my life

& I wanted t0o thank you all

You have all helped me immensely

and will never know how you

have saved my life

and my spirits

I am steadily working towards my future

yet am still lonely and alone

I feel sorry for myself more

than I should

Pray for me

my blogging friends

as I pray for you all

each and everyday

Cheers

jimmy

August 09

Sunday Sunday

Right this second it is Saturday night

My Father and my Step-Mom

are out-of-town

I am in charge of watering the garden.

This is how I am able to be online...

A POEM

A Tribute to:

MADELINE

Playing bridge with my friends and my love

I crushed an empty pack of smokes

I "shot"my trash at the trash can

15 foot away;

and when I made it

said to myself

"I am such a man!!!"

My love

having seen the entirety

Said to me

I love it that you

Are such a boy

I have bought my ex-wife a birthday card and intend on mailing it to her. I still haven't enough self-esteem or confidence to actually speak to her, let alone talk to her on the phone; but I constantly think of her and the home we made together. I miss her more than anything and can't stop thinking of how much better a person I was with her. How much more of a human I was. How much nicer I was. How much of a parent I was with her. How much more of a future I had with her.

I really miss her...

I'm getting better and faster at my job folks!

WOO HOO!!!

I hope to have my life back under control within the next few weeks,

months at the most.

I want to live a fuller life!

I hope you all had a really good weekend so far.

Be good to those around you and

help everyone you have the opportunity to help.

CHEERS

jimmy